Hello and welcome back to KID NOSTALGIA, your online guide to monster, science fiction and horror movies ranging from the oldies to more modern releases, from the classics to more… obscure movies – ones like this! There’s nothing to really say about the cast or crew that’s particularly important that you don’t know already. All you need to know is that they tried to get a third film out of a franchise that had jumped the shark in the first movie, redeemed itself as a cult movie with the second, and then… there’s this. Although, when I eventually get around to watching Raptor (2001) or The Eden Formula (2006), I’ll probably be taking back a lot of what I’ve said about these three. If you’ve seen clips from either of those two, you probably know exactly what I mean. I was wondering about after doing all of these doing a little post about the history of them, as there’s a lot of interesting stuff, and thanks to people like Joseph Palinkas and Dino Diego, I have a lot of source material. Would you guys read that? For now though, let’s get right into this… after I warn you that, as always, this post will contain spoilers, so viewer discretion is advised. Not that there’s much plot to spoil…
The film starts with a group of terrorists shooting a load of sodliers and nicking their truck that they believe is full of uranium, but when the leader looks into the truck that he’s parked in a warehouse, he discovers a couple sleeping Velociraptors… and he’s disappointed? These things are much more valuable and better weapons than uranium, take the win! The terrorists, despite the leader being the most interesting character in the movie, are all wiped out after unwittingly unleashing the dinosaurs. Police officers turn up when they capture a terrorist who managed to escape, but they’re also all wiped out. A team of counter terrorists then turn up and, you guessed it, a couple of them are killed. The others just return to base and Doctor Hodges explains that dinosaurs can cure multiple diseases so they secretly have these dinosaurs to… cure multiple diseases. Her words, not mine. Makes about as much sense as Deep Blue Sea (1999). Hodges gets what’s left of the counter terrorists to capture one of the dinosaurs so they can continue these experiments. Marines turn up to help out, and seeing how all these people roll, the only one that can help them is a Vasquez figure, but the rest might as well be on a giant plate. Another plan fails, but they manage to shoot and kill one of the Velociraptors… against orders, but it doesn’t matter because the Velociraptor is regenerating.
The Velociraptor wakes up and escapes while a T-Rex turns up, bites a guy’s head off, and bogs off again. Hodges reveals that the T-Rex is beginning to lay eggs asexually, laying up to a dozen eggs, so the soldiers decide on a third or fourth plan at this point to lure the dinosaurs onto this random boat and freeze them… but what if someone came across the boat and unfroze them by accident. While preparing, Alan Silvestri joins the soundtrack. It literallty starts playing the Predator (1987) theme! Turns out that the dinosaurs are already on the boat… and the protagonists know that… so why they don’t just blow the crap out of the boat from the outside, safe, is beyond me. In fact, who owns this boat? No matter though, as half of the team is killed, so a new plan is initiated to blow up the ship… by going inside! Te boat’s on the ocean at this point, so just call the goddamn military to airstrike it! They plant the C4 but everyone but the captain of the counter terrorist team, Rance Higgins, and Hodges are choppily edited to death. They manage to blow up the T-Rex’s head and show the wire frame or whatever holding it together inside before jumping overboard as the ship also explodes. All seems to be over, until a third Velociraptor shows up and kills the captured terrorist from earlier, still tied up in the back of a police car. The end. Yeah, that was crap, in case you couldn’t tell. If you persevered through the first two, you might as well check this out, but there’s nothing to recommend. There’s no real plot, it’s repetetive, the dinosaurs in this are mostly guys in suits or falling apart hand puppets rather than the full sized puppets so the dinosaurs aren’t even any good. But, again, once I get around to Raptor and The Eden Formula, I’ll probably take that back. For now though, that’s it for me. Later!
Kid Nostalgia 